Dawn

In honor of "Bitch Season" as I call it, I have decided to share an ex-girlfriend story. At least part one of the story. I didn't go back and edit it after I wrote it, so if it is jumpy, T.S.

I can count the number of people that I have said "I love you" to, who aren't family. I have meant it when I said it to every person, except one. Her name is Dawn, and she was my first real girlfriend.

I met Dawn through the internet. I used to write on a site called open diary. You set up a diary that people could read and comment on. I used to write about my life at the time, and whatever random shit was in my head. I tried to write something everyday, and I kept up with it fairly well. Dawn was one of the people who would read what I would write and comment on mostly everything that I wrote. On the front page of my diary, I put my AIM sn, and one day she decided to IM me. We talked almost everyday over AIM and I found out more about her. She recently moved back to Long Island from Tampa, where she was a student at USF. She moved back home to go to school at SUNY Stony Brook which was a bit closer to home (an hour ride on the LIRR). She lived in Bellmore, New York which is on the south shore of Long Island near Freeport and Wantaugh. She had a brother who was significantly older than her, and her parents were a bit racist, which is why she was probably one of the most Liberal people ever.

The first time we talked on the phone was a bit odd. After talking online for a few months, she asked me if anyone was up at my house because I lived with my family at the time. She was a bit freaked out that someone other than me would answer if she called the house. I had to reassure for a few minutes that I would be the only one who would answer the phone. The first time we talked for 2 hours or so. It was cool to finally hear her voice, but I don’t remember any of the conversation. It was probably just nervous rambling.

After a while of talking online and on the phone, we made plans to hang out. We were going to Times Square to see the ball drop. The location made sense since I was in New Jersey and she in Long Island. That never happened, because she got flaky and I ended up hearing from her less and less. Apparently she was hanging out with some guy she went to school with. But after that didn’t work, she started talking to me again, apologizing for not following through on the New Years plans. That year, I was house sitting for my mom’s boyfriend as they went out to a party. I was on the computer burning mix cds. I don’t remember if I watched the ball drop or not. Now that I recall, I was talking to her online that night and she was apologizing to me for not following through on plans. I was playing Robbin’ the Hood by Sublime most of the night, so I was content for the time being.

We eventually made plans to hang out a few months later, in February. I went up to New York with a friend of mine, Vannessa, because she was going to hang out with the guy she was seeing at the time. I met her in Penn Station, and wasn’t all that impressed. She was wearing a light blue Stony Brook hoodie, she was about 5’5" and was a bit on the dumpy side. I wasn’t all that impressive at the time either, I smoked a pack and a half of cigarettes a day and wore size 44 jeans, I also had zero self confidence. After we met up at Penn Station, my friend and I split up, and I went back with Dawn to her dorm out in Stony Brook, since we didn’t really have plans. We hung out and talked for hours. Most of the conversation was about how she was upset at this guy Matt and how she didn’t like Florida. It was a bit uncomfortable, but then again she was a bit uncomfortable. I didn’t plan on staying that long, but I forgot to do my research and missed the last train back to New York, which was somewhere around 1. I had to wait until 4:30AM for the train that got into the city around 6. I probably should have just made it a one night stand, but I didn’t. All we did was talk and watch the first part of Memento until the train came around. She kept on acting like she didn’t want me there, but her actions contradicted what she was saying, so I didn’t know what to think about this girl.

We did make plans to hang out again. This time we would go to the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York, since she liked Egyptian art. I remember that day pretty well. It was bit awkward, because I still didn’t know if us would lead to anything or if I wanted it to lead to anything. We walked around the museum and looked at the paintings. It was a hot, dry day outside and I was going around to the water fountains putting water on my hands because when it gets hot and dry outside I get dry skin, and I didn’t have lotion with me at the time. We walked around the museum and eventually went outside to the park to find Cleopatra’s Obelisk, an obelisk somewhere in Central Park. We sat on a bench and asked me if I wanted to be her boyfriend. I was really surprised that she asked me that. I said yes mostly because she asked. I’ve always liked girls that are a bit aggressive and show interest in me.

The first time we hung out after we were officially a couple was a bit much. She had this big sappy thing planned. She played me the song "Do I have to say the words" by Bryan Adams and showed me the lyrics. The song was supposed to show how she felt about me. Remember we hadn’t been dating all that long. I got embarrassed for her, like I should have. I was just looking to hang out and get laid, not have her act like I was her true love, I was 19 and she was 18 after all. I still can’t listen to that song, if it comes on when I am in a store or on the radio, I get uncomfortable.

We hung out every weekend, one weekend in New Jersey and one in Long Island. Being in Long Island was cool, it was in her dorm and her roommate would go back to the eastern end of the island every weekend. But when we were hanging out in New Jersey, she had to deal with my family. She first came to New Jersey around Easter of 2002. I remember that day really well. That is the day that my dad left to go live in Virginia, because he lost the divorce. He actually didn’t lose as much as he stopped paying the lawyer and ran away. I still don’t know why it happened like that, but I write on that topic later. Dawn was nervous to meet my family, but she was usually nervous. On top of the nervousness, she started her period that day and didn’t plan on it. She had a giant red stain on her sweatpants and had to borrow a pair of jeans from my mom. Looking back on it, it is hilarious, but not so much at the time.

On top of hanging out all every weekend, we also talked on the phone a lot. I didn’t have a cell phone when we first started dating. In fact, I refused to get one. The event that made me get one was my van breaking down on the side of Interstate 95 in Delaware coming back from my dad’s house in Virginia. Dawn had a cell phone, but we were still there for like 12 hours waiting for a tow truck, but more on that later. I originally bought phone cards from Wal-Mart as to not drive up the long distance on the phone bill. After I got a cell phone, we would talk for hours. I got Verizon because she had it, as did my sister and mom. Being in constant phone contact was terrible, she would ramble for hours. I know I am a rambler, I go on for hours sometimes, but she was worse than I was and am now. She would go on with stories that you had to be there for to find funny, the type that always make for a bad conversation. I would often throw the phone down on my bed or a kitchen counter and wait until she stopped talking. She would talk, sometimes not breathe and would not wait for me to acknowledge that I was paying attention. Not only would she ramble on, but I couldn’t get off the phone with her until I told her that I loved her. It isn’t that big of a deal to tell someone you love them, but it is when you lie everytime you say it. She would call it "the phrase" when I wanted to end a phone conversation, which is something that still bothers me.

The first time I told her that I loved her I just wanted to get laid. We were in her dorm room, things were getting hot and heavy and she stopped me. She told me that she didn’t want to have sex with someone who didn’t love her, so I told her that I did. There was this big emotional thing on her end, and she told me that she loved me also. For a while she kept telling me that I smelled bad, and that when she said that she meant that she loved me. Not only did she love me, but she told me that after six months, we were going to talk about getting married. Marriage is something that is a bit horrifying to me now at 27, back then I was freaking out and planning a way out

Storm before the calm

Once again it is baseball season, and once again people are freaking out. With the Philadelphia Phillies in first place and losing more games than they are winning in the last 15 or so, it looks like panic time. The hitters can't seem to find the ball. Chase Utley, who leads the league in Home Runs and RBIs was on a 1 for 27 slump, and Ryan Howard who is the big power hitter has been striking out a lot. He does get a lot of strike outs, but he is striking out and not hitting. Even last year's NL MVP Jimmy Rollins has disappeared. The pitching staff isn't all the great, but the person who takes the cake is Bret Myers. Bret Myers was moved from the bullpen, former closer, when they got Brad Lidge. After starting out decent, he has stunk up the joint. He is 3-9 with an ERA over 5 right now. There is talk of sending him back to the bullpen, and moving a set up man into the rotation or sending him to AAA in Allentown. I'll be honest, all the AAA talk is from people on message boards, while it is a good idea it won't happen. All is bleak for the Phillies with on one game lead over the Marlins.
But all is not bleak, it was almost the same thing last year. Last season, the power hitters (Rollins, Howard, Rowand, Burrell) weren't hitting and Utley was injured. The pitching staff was also hurting with Adam Eaton, Jamie Moyer and Freddy Garcia injured. The bullpen also had injuries with Tom Gordon getting hurt and his replacement Bret Myers taking over then going on the DL. The closer for a while was Antonio Alfonseca, who has a weird shape to him for a baseball player. Even with all those injuries and adversity, the Phillies put it together. They went on a monster tear the latter part of the season and won the division. Of course, the Mets helped them out by losing 12 of their last 17 games. But they have been through crap before and got to the playoffs. They did get swept by the eventual National League champions in the first round, but they still made it. Stupid Mets fans couldn't say that their team made it.
I say to Philly fans (or phans) don't worry, I'm not worried. There are too many talented people on the team to be struggling like this all season. Maybe Myers won't get back to the form he once had as a pitcher, because he is injured or a bum, who knows. But the offense should get things going again. If they make a deal for a decent pitcher before the trade deadline, they should be good. A decent pitcher, I don't want to see them getting C.C. Sabathia, I would like him on the team, but the price they would have to pay would be too much. They would only get him for the remainder of the year, because I'm sure they wouldn't be able to pay him Johan Santana like money.

Socialize it!

I am a big fan of socialized medicine, and cannot understand why other people do not feel the same way. I do know that there is a political philosophy where a big government that controls too many facets of an everyday person's life is not liked. I agree with that in theory to an extent. I don't see why the government should be spending my hard earned tax dollars (and everyone else's tax dollars) on things that don't work or programs that did work and now either don't or are useless. The first thing that comes to mind of wastes of tax dollars is the current war in Iraq, but I'll leave that alone. There are other things that should be fixed first, like farm subsidies. There was a period after World War II when the US government paid farmers more money for their crops, or paid them not to grow anything at all, to keep prices artificially high. This practice still goes on, and it doesn't seem right that here in the US we are growing food that we don't need, and protecting high prices on the food that is grown.
Back to my main topic: I don't understand why there is such a big outcry against socialized medicine from the common man. I would think that it would be a good idea if a person was able to walk into a hospital without having to show insurance cards, and wonder what the copay is, or what the deductible is, or wonder if the insurance is going to approve the visit at all. I would like to think that the government should provide the basic services, and health is a biggie. Without people, there is no America to protect. How can people engage in a war on terror if they have no insurance because they keep on raising the rates?
That might be a bit of a stretch, but I can't understand why so much money is going for national defense and so little is going for health care and research for potentially curing diseases. Oh,
that's right I do, special interests. It turns out that the manufacturing sector in this country has a lot of pull, and they get the tax breaks and the legislation. And then there is the pharmaceutical industry. I understand that they have to make money in order to run their businesses and to pay the inflated salaries of the CEOs but some people need drugs. We eliminated polio in the developed world, but it still exists in some countries in the world. There are AIDS patients who can't afford drugs because they had the bad luck to be born in Africa (sarcasm of course). They need drugs and the multi-billion dollar drug companies won't sell the drugs for cheap or allow generics to be made because of patents they hold, which keep the drugs out of the hands of the people who need them the most. In the US, the drug companies are allowed to charge whatever they like for their drugs, but in other countries (Canada, France, UK) the government refuses to pay over a certain amount and the companies always cave in. They then make up for their losses by charging us a shitload. It is very sickening.

Boring!

I am currently bored by the state of modern music. I'm not just talking about rock music (which has been in decline for a while) but the whole deal, even hip-hop which is enjoying its popularity.
I was watching MTV's Sucker Free yesterday, and the two videos that came on where the new T.I song, and one of those Southern rappers with a song based on a dance (I don't remember who it was, but it doesn't matter). The T.I. video had Wyclef Jean in it, because he produced it. It wasn't anything special, usual T.I. The next video I think is the epitome of what is wrong with rap. It isn't the guy's fault, I understand he wants to make a video and a record and make some money, but the record companies seem interested in songs that they can sell rather than establishing artists with staying power. More one hit wonders plugged into a formula: catchy songs with dances that people can dance along to the song to. But it isn't just the danceable stuff (or snap as my friend Matt calls it) there are other songs by rappers and groups of rappers that will be one hit wonders: "Party like a rockstar", "A bay bay", "Sexy Lady". This seems to be the trend unless there is some "hardcore hip hop" that gets popular or gets exposure, which doesn't seem all that likely.
Rock music is in a sad state also. There are new bands that are gaining popularity and exposure, but they have a very generic sound. I was driving yesterday and heard the new single by the band Flyleaf. It was an alright song, nothing too special, very generic rock sound to it. I liked the chorus melody, but it seemed like that something was missing from it. That is how I feel about the majority of the rock bands now. Nickleback, Breaking Benjamin, Staind, 3 Doors Down, they all have a generic rocking, but not rocking too hard sound. It is almost baffling that they are getting popular (I say almost because most of the people I know like all that stuff).
Another thing that bothers me about rock music is K-Rock in New York. After Howard Stern left the station to go to Sirius, they switched to an all talk format. They called it Free FM, because satelitte radio is a pay service, but you can get talk for free from them. A few months ago they switched back to the station that they used to be, because of the failure of the talk format, now with Opie and Anthony in the morning and music all day after them. The station is back, and so is the same exact playlist. I don't understand why in 2007 they play the same music they did in 1997. Stone Temple Pilots, Metallica, Nirvana, all the bands that I grew tired of because I heard the same songs over and over again on the station. They do try to play newer stuff, but it is new stuff by established artists like Incubus and Tool. They do play some of the newer bands, like Flyleaf, but that is usually reserved for their online "station" called K-Rock 2, which I think is terrible. I don't understand why they don't play the newer or less established bands on the air like they used to. They used to have different shows and programming, now they are almost like a rock jukebox, I don't even think they hired DJs yet, and they switched over 4 months ago.

2007 NFL season predictions

It is the most wonderful time of the NFL season, training camp and the beginning of the pre-season. I say the most wonderful time, because for a few weeks, most of the teams in the NFL think they have a chance of winning the Super Bowl, and in reality there are 6 or so teams with a legitimate shot at it.
Now, it is time for me to make my predictions for the upcoming NFL season. Division winners are at the top and in bold and the wild card teams are in italics.

AFC North
Baltimore
Cincinnati
Pittsburgh
Cleveland

AFC South
Indianapolis
Tennessee
Jacksonville
Houston

AFC East
New England
New York
Miami
Buffalo

AFC West
San Diego
Denver
Kansas City
Oakland

NFC North
Chicago
Green Bay
Detroit
Minnesota

NFC South
New Orleans
Carolina
Tampa Bay
Atlanta

NFC East
Dallas
Philadelphia
New York
Washington

NFC West
Seattle
St. Louis
San Fransisco
Arizona

Playoffs:
First Round:
AFC
Baltimore vs. Denver
Indianapolis vs. Cincinnati
New England and San Diego have byes

NFC
Seattle vs. Carolina
Dallas vs. Philadelphia
Chicago and New Orleans have byes

Second Round:
AFC
New England vs. Baltimore
San Diego vs. Indianapolis

NFC
Chicago vs. Philadelphia
New Orleans vs. Carolina

Third Round
AFC
New England vs. San Diego
NFC
New Orleans vs. Chicago

Super Bowl
San Diego vs. New Orleans
winner
San Diego

There are my predictions for the NFL season. I expect these predictions to be wrong, but screw it, that is why I can edit the posts later.

What it is shorty

I'll be the first to admit that I am a Kelly Clarkson fan. I was a little late getting into the game, I'm not one of those who followed her career all the way from American Idol, but got into her music after the second album. I think most people got into her music after the second album, which went multi-platinum, and made her an international superstar. Now she has a third album out that has much controversy around it. Apparently she got into a bit of a tiff with her label head (Clive Davis) over the marketability of the album. I thought that it was up to the label to sell it, and the artist to record what they wanted. I don't understand how some people get jobs as A&Rs or CEOs in the music industry because it all seems like it is a matter of taste or opinion. I'm sure there is a lot of stuff that the major labels thought would sell that didn't and vice versa.
I can't understand why Kelly Clarkson got so much heat for the album that she put out. The album is still a pop album, it isn't like she put out a death metal album or anything. It has songs that can be played on the radio, and it does have the slower ballady type of stuff. The songs sound like any pop stuff that you can hear today, nothing that is too different. The sequencing on the album is a bit odd, it goes from upbeat to ballad too often. But overall I think it is a good album, nothing that will ostracize her from the pop world.
The main point of contention that her label will have with the album is that it didn't sell like the previous one. The album has barely went gold (500,000 copies) in about 5 weeks since its release while the previous one sold over 6 million copies in the US. But I would figure when you sell millions of records for the company, they should be able to give you some kind of freedom or input into your next album. They used to do that back in the day, Led Zeppelin III had cutouts and whacky artwork because they sold so much with the first two albums. Shit, they even got their own imprint on Atlantic (Swan Song Records) because they sold so much.
My main point is that they shouldn't hate on Kelly. I think it is a good thing when an artist who is perceived as a puppet tries to do their own thing. She is done being the singer that the American Idol people want her to be, and I applaud her. If anything the whole thing has kept her name in the news, I saw something on MSN today about whether or not her career is over because of the whole new album deal, and it doesn't appear to be. Everyone has hard times and what not in their career, but if they do what they want then that is good for them.

Henry Foolin'

If there is one thing I cannot understand, it is how movies are done nowadays. It seems like the big Hollywood studios have no problem rehashing the same story lines, with new characters and locations. I guess it makes a shitload of money so they do it.
Another thing I cannot understand is sequels. There are a lot of sequels being made, it seems like everyone wants a franchise. But sometimes the sequel is unnecessary and feels like it is only made for the money. One example is the movie Fay Grim. Fay Grim is the sequel to the movie Henry Fool. Henry Fool is about this eccentric guy who comes to a shit town and gets a creepy looking garbage man (Simon) to start writing poetry. Simon causes controversy and eventually gets his stuff published, and becomes a popular poet, after his previous attempt was not successful. Henry during the whole movie, is trying to sleep with any woman with legs (he was previously arrested for statutory rape and sounds like a pseudo-intellectual spouting cliches (" An honest man is always in trouble, remember that Simon.", being an example). Later in the movie, Henry ends up knocking up Simon's sister (Fay) and they get married. Henry comes home one day to find a neighborhood girl, Pearl in the basement apartment. Pearl's mom was being beaten by her husband through the whole movie, and after Pearl says that she is afraid of going home, Henry decides that he is going to do something about it. He goes over and ends up killing the stepfather, and gets in arrested. It turns out that Pearl offered to give Henry sexual favors for killing the stepfather, and Henry once bailed out has to go out on the lamb. Henry escapes using Simon's passport and plane ticket (he was supposed to go to Sweden to receive the Nobel Prize for Literature) and that is the end. It was a pretty good movie, I know my language doesn't seem like the best, but I liked it, I thought it was pretty well acted.
Henry Fool came out in 1997. Ten years passed and the writer/director of the movie wanted to do a sequel. The sequel is called Fay Grim and continues with the story of everyone. Well, not exactly. It turns out that Henry is now a big star since he bailed on the charges, and his memoirs are a hot item. There is now an international web of intrigue that surrounds the characters as everyone wants a piece of Henry's memoirs to make some money off of them. They contain his times in Chile during the overthrow of Allende which implicates the CIA agent (played by Jeff Goldblum in his worst role ever). In order to get the memoirs back, Fay goes to Europe to get the volumes that the French have. It turns out that the Israelis switched the books, and they contain codes for satellites. Fay gets the books, but the French agent switches them for the real ones, and Fay ends up with them after secret agents are shot in a stairwell (in the worst action scene ever.....they use slow motion frame by frame type of thing that conveys no action....and there is no blood, I have never seen a movie where people get shot fall down to the ground and don't bleed....how are they hurt). Fay sneaks away to Istanbul to find the other books and Henry. While in Istanbul, she meets with a man who is a terrorist who Henry tutored for a bit (like Simon), she apparently wants to see Henry who is under the care of the same man. After a bit, Fay gets a call to drop the books off on a ferry that is going across the Black Sea. Jeff Goldblum's character chases Fay down to Istanbul and searches her room. Fay calls her friend who was waiting in the hotel room for her to come back, and threatens the CIA agent. They later are looking for Fay on the street, when her friend escapes and they get in a van to follow someone who just committed a crime, when it explodes. Fay's friend meets her at the sweet shop, and is shot by a cop. Apparently she is considered a Russian terrorist, but they never really elaborated on that. Fay goes down to the dock, where Simon (who started the movie in jail and got out as a deal for Fay going to Europe to get the books) put the books on the ferry to have them smuggled to Odessa. Fay ends up missing the boat, and as it is pulling away we see Henry looking back at them. The end.
As I write this now, I still have no idea what the fuck was going on. Apparently this kid touching poet was an international man of mystery who was in Chile and Afghanistan and all these other places when things got hairy, which is totally different from the parolee who drank a lot of beer and chain smoked. I cannot put the two pieces together. It wouldn't be that bad if the movie stood on it's own, and we had no previous experience with the characters. But after you spend two and a half hours (Henry Fool was long, but still a good movie) developing characters, it makes sense to use the same characters in the sequel, not to use the names and have different people with different emotions and such. Simon had one facial expression in the first movie, which was and expression less, but in the second movie, he moved his face muscles to wince and such. I was confused with all that. Also, Fay was a white trash girl who would fuck anyone who moved in the first movie, and in the second movie she is responsible while caring for her child and acting like she cared about things. I couldn't follow that.
I wish I could ask Hal Hartley (the guy who wrote and directed both movies) why the second movie was so different from the first. I say I wish, because his website has no email link on it. Only information about buying and distributing his movies.
I must say that Fay Grim is possibly the worst movie I have ever seen. The budget seemed it was wasted on the location shooting (Berlin, New York, Paris, Istanbul) so they didn't have any money left for special effects (remember what I said about the shootout, it happened two other times), editing and the cast. I know the cast (especially Jeff Goldblum and Parker Posey) aren't bad actors, but they give the worst performances of their lives in this movie. It is trash, and like most bad movies, everything has to be right to have it be bad. The script, the directing, the acting, and it all comes into line in this piece of horse shit. I cannot say enough about how bad it is. It is in my opinion the worst sequel ever. Go and see it if you want to see a confusing movie, that will leave you asking questions. Questions about why the movie was made in the first place.